HW 19: Big Paper 1 Suggestions

Vincent,

I liked how you created a parallel between the digital devices that we use and we ourselves; how both are made to be valueless. However, I got the impression that you're saying that we built these devices specifically to cause suffering which I don't think is the case. You should clarify more on how these cause suffering. What do you mean by controlling emotions? Maybe add some evidence to support your claim.

I like your quote "Humans created all this suffering for digital devices by tampering with them and manipulating them to their will, by destroying imagination of dreams in this world to feel like an individual and feel true emotions only define by themselves." I don't know if it's true that digital devices destroy our sense of individuality but it'd be if you can give more examples of that to change our thinking.

I'm thinking though that music have given us the freedom to express our own individuality. Maybe that could be one of your opposing arguments.

I'm really interested to see how this essay develops. You just need a little touching up and clarification. Can't wait to read it (:

My other partner didn't post up her rough draft, so I commented on Rachel's instead.

Rachel,

Nice thesis. I like how you chose to support digitalization instead of going against it like everyone else is or at least all the ones I've read so far.

"By being always connected, people never feel like they are left out of the loop." It's true that with pictures and gossip spreading like wildfire all over the net that others lives become part of ours. But do you think that because of this our society has become too fast paced and it's harder to keep our lives private? (opposing argument maybe?)

"Technology has its pros, but people are always forgetting about them." It's true. We are always outweighing the cons over the pros. We have to look at it in the long term. It all depends on us whether we use it "correctly" or not. I think you should add on some more opposing viewpoints though to make your arguments stronger because I know there are a lot of arguments that oppose the use of technology.

I like your use of quotes although I have to say my quote was a bit typical. Maybe analyze the wii more after our conversation. I think you should take your idea to the next level and propose other good aspects of it other than the ones Johnson pointed out. Expand more on your science idea, that science advancements are crucial to understanding our world better and isn't that what life is about? Understanding our world better?

Anyway I don't have much criticism. Your essay's looking really good so far. Looking forward to see the end result.

(Oh also revise your citations. You don't want anything like that bringing your grade down.)