HW 58: Parenting 102

After hearing Marks talk about parenting, I've realized that there is a lot that goes into parenting. There are so many ways you can raise a child, right ways and wrong ways. It's scary to know that the way your child turns out may be due to a big part in the way you've brought them up. I agreed with a lot of the ideas Marks had for the future of his child. He plans on putting her in all sorts of classes so she can develop different skills and become well rounded, although I don't know if that will put too much pressure on the child. A good balance will be fine. He also said that college can be optional for her but the important thing is to help her hone the skills she's best at, whether it be artistic skills or mathematical skills. I think it's very important that a parent not be too controlling of a child. Often times, parents are very strict with their child, up to the point where they've planned out its whole future before it even has a chance to find out where its passion really lies.

My parents are very forceful that I go to college and find a job I can earn a lot in. The pressure can really get to a child, especially when the parent doesn't even try to understand what they want. My mom has stated countless times that it doesn't matter if the job is enjoyable. The important thing is the earn money. In her mind, the number of digits in your salary determines success rather than how much chemistry you have with your job. This type of parenting style doesn't do much motivating or encouraging. It gets your child confused and gives them less confidence to appraoch life. It gives them the impression that what they want is insignificant and life isn't about chasing after your dreams.

The units this year has made me question a lot about my own situation, where I am and what I want to be in life. This parenting unit had me thinking about the way my parents have raised me and how that might've have shaped the person I am. Still though, there are so many factors into raising a child, so many combinations, that it's virtually impossible to try to perfect the art of parenting unless your child is being raised by robots. But even then, he/she won't be receiving much love. I think a parent must try to perfect himself/herself and become a role model first, therefore the child can imitate the right way to do things. They also need to keep an open mode of communication, so the child can feel comfortable coming to his/her parents with issues before anyone else. This relationship would keep the child from feeling isolated. It lets them know that help is always within reach and that there is always room for help and growth.

Parenting is a lot of responsibility. Not only are you caring for another human being physically, you are ultimately caring for them emotionally and tending to their every need. It's not something you can just flake out on and give up on. It's a life. I don't think I'll ever be ready. I want to know what's the real reason why people want babies. To feel loved? To strengthen their bonds? Because they're cute? To continue their family line? I don't understand what would make them want to give birth to such a big burden. I'm really curious. I'm not against having children. I want one too someday. But I don't know why I do. I guess people just don't question it. It's one of those mandatory things in life, like going to school.

Another topic I'm interested in is does parenting play a big role in shaping a child's life? There are plenty of successful people with bad childhoods. The way you are parenting might have a big impact on the child early in its life but as it grows, the child is ultimately the one who decides who he/she will look up to. He can disregard his parents completely and look at his grandma, teacher, friend, or a musician for guidance instead. I think it is what he chooses to follow that is what's going to take its effect on him the most. So no matter how much of a good parent you try to be, how many times you tell your child what to do or what not to do, how much attention you try to give him/her, how many classes you try to put her/him into, none of it matters unless they accept it.

HW 57: Parenting 101

Parenting should be a balance between rule enforcement and giving the child enough space to make mistakes on his/her own as well. I see people who have parents who call them every hour to check up on them and expect them to come home by 6. Then I see others who are completely spoiled that they become this person who expects everyone to cater to them. I think once the kids grow up, parents should allow them more freedom, provide advice and let them make their own choices. Trust is a key part as well, because I know I hate it when my parents don't trust me. If you had made an effort to instill values and in them, you've done your part. If you go too far to try to prevent them from doing the things they want to do such as not allowing them to stay up late or have a boyfriend/girlfriend, that will only get them madder. Parents just need to understand that their children will make mistakes, but they should trust that they can also come back from these mistakes otherwise trying to prevent it will only make them want to commit more mistakes. We all learn through experience. Telling us what not to do isn't enough to stop us from doing it when we don't know why we shouldn't.

Parents should also act as role models. If they want their children to become a certain person, they should uphold those qualities in themselves as well. They need to exhibit leadership skills, relationship skills, generosity, consideration, hard working abilities, respect, communication skills, etc. so their child can learn by seeing. My parents can be hypocrites sometimes, as we all can be. But I know that when I see them yelling at me for stuff they're doing as well, it annoys the hell out of me. Parents should be aware of their own actions and be aware of their child's feeling too (same goes for child). When everyone is considerate of each other in the household, it creates an inviting environment for intimate conversations. I think communication is one of the most important factors in raising a child. My parents and I talk but it never goes anywhere when they don't understand where I'm coming from. Many times they disregard what I want and insist that I commit to the things they want me to do. It took me the longest time convincing them to let me play volleyball. I was surprised that they were so against it. Anything that takes away from my study time is going to be something they object, not that I do that much studying anyway. After a while though, they've grew interested and asked about my games and about my progress. They liked the idea that I was getting exercise and talked about how good that's doing for my body (they're really into healthiness).

Although my parents get on my nerves a lot of the times, as I get on theirs too, one of the greatest things is they've never given up on me. No matter how many mistakes I've committed, no matter how much attitude I give them, they always find a way to forgive me. I wouldn't say they spoil me but I do get a lot of the stuff I want and in return I am required to do well in school. They're very compromising. If I have a good reason for staying out late, going somewhere far, buying something, they'll usually let me. I've also noticed that when they talk to me instead of lecturing me, that's when I have the most motivation to do good in school and to make the right choices. I think they have a perfect balance between control and freedom. They tell us what we should or should not do, but they don't force these rules on us. They give my sister and I enough breathing room but not too much that we take advantage of it.

If I were a parent, I have no idea how good I am going to be. I've always sworn to do certain things that my parents have done and certain things different. But I feel like once the child comes, I would be tempted to spoil them or I might not know how to control my negative emotions around them or towards them. I'm afraid I won't be a good enough role model. I know I'll probably be okay in supporting them financially but it's the raising them to become the person I want them to be that is going to be the hard part. I'll try to be strict and I'll try to become their friend and the person they feel comfortable coming to when they have a problem.

When Parenting Strategies Backfire
The article was really funny. The kids were very clever. I think if you tried this strategy with older people they might fall for it. But kids will always go for the things they want the most, not the choices they are given. For simple things such as what pants to wear, what cup they want, kids already know what is their favorite. When they're offered choices, they won't care. They won't think about which option is better, because they already have the best option in their minds and its not the one that is given to them. I think giving a kid too many options would create a misunderstanding where they would think that everything they'd encounter would offer them choices when in reality sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I don't think this strategy is effective. Kids don't do well with compromises. If you give them a lot of choices they're not going to let you make a decision when it comes time. They're going to think that everything is their choice.

Continuum Concept
It's really ironic that the ones who are "spoiled" are the ones who grow up to be most independent when the ones who are often ignored during childhood in fear of spoiling them are the ones who develop the least self esteem. When they are ignored, they feel shame and get a feeling of little self worth. I think that it is okay to answer all your child's needs when he/she is little, and then gradually take some of it away as time goes on. While reading the Westeners' strategy, it sounded kind of stupid. It seems as though the parents are cutting off all emotional connections with the baby. They don't feel loved and they're not spending enough time with the parents, leading them to feel isolated and insignificant. That sounds horrible. I would never do that to my child, at least not to such an extreme. The Continuum Concept sounds like a more natural approach. It surprised me that providing a child with that much attention would increase their self-reliance.

Research Question: What is the best possible compatibility match given between two (or more) people by the Myers Briggs assessment and how do we know?

Questions:

1. What types of people do you find yourself most comfortable with?
2. What types do you find yourself having a hard time clicking with?
3. Do you prefer being alone more or being in a relationship more?

Lily: ESFJ

1. Outgoing and funny people.
2. Emo people, outcasted, the types of people that stands in the corner because it's annoying and it brings down my mood.
3. In a relationship. (But can you handle being alone?) No, because it's great to have a companion, someone you can turn to.

She enjoys hanging out with people who are more like her. She likes to have fun and likes surrounding herself with people who'll have fun with her. Here, compatibility is based on similarities and not differences... which makes sense because her boyfriend is ESFJ as well.

Dennis: ESFJ

1. Gangsters... nah i'm just kidding. I don't know. I really don't know. I kind of work well with everyone. (Why do you think that is?) Because I'm a social bug. And I'm so sexy.
   
2. Posers, people who try to be someone they're not. Like a guy who wears overalls and goes to Harlem and chills and try to be gangsta.
3. I don't know. I'm so sexy that if I can't be in a relationship, then they're missing out... 'cause I'm so sexy. All jokes aside though, I could go either way. I'm never alone really 'cause I'm always with friends . I guess I'm afraid to be alone.

He gets along with almost everyone. He doesn't get along with people who aren't themselves around him. He's used to socializing and being in a relationship. Both him and Lily aren't used to being in solitude. Having people there is a necessity.

Andy: ISTP

1. Those who are not loud, nor completely silent...and people whose only topic-of-discussion aren't just themselves.
2. People who are loud, people who only talk about themselves. I also have a hard time, getting along with people who are "fake"...well maybe not fake, but people who try extra hard to project this identity that they want to get through to people.
3. Alone. I mean, there's always a need to socialize....I think it's just cause I got used to being with people recently that I would have that urge. but yeah...alone- if you're around less people, there are less people around to annoy you.

He prefers a quieter environment. He likes surrounding himself more with thoughts and insights rather than the intrusion of other people. He prefers people who are more like his type, more introverted and thoughtful. It seems that most thinkers would want to be with other thinkers, but I don't know about feelers.

Raymond: INFP

1. People who are open because I don't need to work as hard trying to communicate. They make it fun.
2. (No comment)
   
3. Relationship. I don't know why.

He's extremely introverted, so he prefers to interact with someone who is more extroverted. It's also surprising that he prefers being in a relationship since I would assume that introverts rather keep to themselves as opposed to sharing a lot of information with another person.

Sweetie: ESFP

1. I love to be with crazy people, meaning they do extreme stuff, like super non nerdy =) Talkative, definitely. You will find none of what I say will match up with Adam xD
2. The ones related to the feelings vs reality ones....he ones that ask me to make a decision about myself. For example, the ones like asking if i'm more emo or more judgmental.
   
3. Relationship =)I don't stay single for long. (Why do you think you enjoy being in relationships more?) I don't like being lonely, wanna feel like someone's there for me.

She's more extroverted and prefer someone who is more like her, although she says her boyfriend is nothing like that. This makes me question if our preferences are really the qualities we are most compatible with or if they're merely preferences. Do we know what is best for us? She is also used to being in a relationship and takes it to be an essential part of her life.

Adam: ISTP

1. I like being with insightful people.... that don't make stupid decisions meaning they think before they act.. they are mindful of people's feelings and can understand what people are realy like...
2. Stupid people... those that disregard any logic and always think they're right, and that ignore people's thoughts.
3. Hmmm... tough one, but I prefer to be in a relationship. Sometimes it pays to be have someone with you, just in case. And the other person can give a different perspective on your thoughts, broadening your perspective on the world.

He likes to be with people who are understanding and considerate, who are also P, I guess. He doesn't like it when people don't think. In his case, he is most compatible with T's and P's, like himself.

Rachel: ESFJ

1. Um I feel most comfortable with people who are similar to me, who like the same things I do, who just enjoy having fun .
2. I have a hard time clicking with snooty people, people who think they're all that, people who like to judge others the first time they see them.
3. And I prefer being in a relationship more than being alone . Because I feel that humans thrive on social interactions, and we become who we are through the aid of others. By constantly being alone, we are neglecting ourselves from society, thus not developing our minds or learning new things.

She's most compatible with people who are like her type. Like the previous extroverts I interviewed, she enjoys being in a relationship more than being in solitude. She believes that the people we find ourselves interacting with becomes a part of who we are.

Survey Question: On a scale of 1-5, are you someone who only enjoys the company of people like you (1), or are you compatible with all types (5)?

HW 54

INTP and INFP

Introverted (I) 54.29% Extroverted (E) 45.71%
Intuitive (N) 52.78% Sensing (S) 47.22%
Thinking (T) 50% Feeling (F) 50%
Perceiving (P) 51.43% Judging (J) 48.57%

"Architect". Greatest precision in thought and language. Can readily discern contradictions and inconsistencies. The world exists primarily to be understood. 3.3% of total population.

I thought the test was pretty accurate. INTP was what I categorized myself as in class when I read the list of types. When I took the test after, I was surprised to see that I got the same one. I'm surprised though that it's only 3.3 percent of the population. I don't know if I should consider that a good or a bad thing. I felt that a lot of the answers I put down were usually in the middle. I rarely answered a question with a 1 or a 5. It was usually the 2-4 option. That's why most of them are around 50%. I found myself factoring in the way I looked at myself and the way others might view me into a lot of the answers. After reading other descriptions to my type though, I found that it really did fit me. I like logic, math, and have the tendency to correct others. I don't like making spectacles of myself and I'm "much more confident in their competence and willing to act on their convictions." The survey seems reliable. It gives a good general overview on the types of people we are, although we shouldn't rely on it to define who we are as deeper people.

HW 53: Survey Analysis

Part 2:

While I was taking the survey, I had to stop to think about a lot of the questions.  It was hard to categorize a lot of the questions.  For example, the family questions really stumped me.  I've never really admitted certain things about my family life, so once I answered some questions, it really hit me hard.  It made me want to do something about it. to change it so that next time I come across questions like that, my answers would be different.  I was really curious about the family questions because we all see each others with friends already.  We pretty much have a good idea of who each other is while interacting with friends.  We haven't seen everyone with their families though and I know a lot of us act differently.  And it's just interesting to see if our relationships with our families are just as good as the ones we make in school or outside of our homes.

Part 3:

I was surprised to see how positive the results came out to be.  For example, most people say they feel happy by themselves.  If they aren't lying and that's true, then it's good to hear that many of us aren't dependent on people and things for assurance.  A lot of people say their lives are meaningful as well.  If only the survey can ask how because I'm sure we all find meanings from different things.  Although the survey points out that a lot of us have insecurities (that's natural), most of us are happy with how our lives are so far.  My results are similar and different in some ways.  I feel like a lot of my family questions were answered a little more differently from the average results.  But a lot of my friendship and self answers were the same.  This is probably because I develop more positive connections with myself and friends than with my parents.

Part 4:

It's hard to compare the two, when the survey questions are different.  But judging from the professional survey, the amount of drug use, the attempts at suicide, and the eating disorders, it seems that a lot more teens in that survey are less happy with themselves than the ones at SOF.  However, there was also a high percentage of teens in the professional survey that seems to know what they are doing and are responsible.  But I feel like most of the students in our school are responsible and confident.  That's why in the informal survey, we see more positive results as opposed to that of the professional survey where 14.5% of the population has contemplated suicide.  My interpretations of the kids at SOF are biased however.  I'm judging it based on the results from the informal survey and on what I see everyday at school.  So I don't really know how many have thought about suicide before.  But from the looks of both surveys, it seems that SOFers are a lot more mature than the teens of the YRBSS survey.

HW 52: Initial Theories of Human Relationships

I feel like the bonds shared by humans can be both deep and shallow. It's easy to differentiate the two. It's not hard to miss a deep connection when you feel one. I think companionship is the main reason why we develop relationships. Bonds can be seen as a selfish concept. We can all admit that we take some friends for granted, to use to just pass the time; or use their affection to make ourselves feel more significant in a world that treats us indifferently.  But all of us, have at least one person we share a strong connection with, whether it's a friend, family member, or boyfriend/girlfriend.

Human thrive off feelings.  We struggle to find love.  Love makes us feel like we aren't alone.  It fills up our emptiness.  It makes us feel important and provides meaning in our lives.  So we make friends and find mates, people who will pay attention to us.  We search for instant connections (hence online dating sites, Facebook, bars etc.) and a lot of them as well, otherwise we immediately feel ignored and insignificant.

One question I have is are we all motivated by the same thing or is it limited to the individual?  For the longest time, people have been obsessed with social ranking.  Power gives us significance.  And people strive for recognition.  Nobody wants to be a nobody.  It's always a competition to reach the top.  Is it really worth the fight?  Do we really obtain that satisfaction we always thought we would have once we've reached the top?  Hopefully... otherwise more than half the population is on the wrong track.

Even countries start war to sustain social ranking.  Yes, yes, each war was fought for a different reason.  But even then, they all share a common factor, to destroy the opponent's reputation.  Even now, we are still fighting for world leadership.  During the Cold War, world rankings led nations to pursue nuclear proliferation.  Hitler created the greatest genocide in history to make Jews feel like crap and to make clear that his people were more important.  Religions were created to make people feel like those of their religion are favored over others.  Humans run their life according to the way they pursue their own level of significance.  Those who have low self esteem might go searching for money, a boyfriend/girlfriend to boost their confidence and significance level.  They might even turn to discrimination and bullying.  Those who are content with themselves, who view everyone and everything as equal, no more or less important than one another will not be seen pursuing these things (monks for example).  Neither is right or wrong.  The first one though is more common because that's just human nature.

What we lack is independence.  We are constantly depending on people and things for assurance when all we need is really ourselves.  Sure, it's great to hear a compliment.  Sure it's good to have money.  But first, before all that, I think we need to look inside ourselves first and like who we already are and what we already have.  Everything else is just excess, stuff we can live and be just as happy without.  Thoreau says men "lead lives of quiet desperation."  What most of us is striving for is unnecessary.  A lot of the motivations we encounter are really superficial (ie. social ranking, power, money).  It's possible to lead a simple solitude life and be satisfied.  Now that's success.